She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
