just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
