The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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