take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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