would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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