Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
