i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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