no, he came in my armpit
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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