1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
