not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
