I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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