I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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