my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
