just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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