so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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