A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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