it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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