nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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