I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
