Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
