Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
