GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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