my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
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