Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
