Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
well you can't waste a boner
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
