why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
