last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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