I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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