Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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