I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
