I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
