I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
