I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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