i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
