we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
