i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
