my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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