This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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