She is in my trunk
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
