What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
