I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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