I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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