I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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