apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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