Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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