Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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