T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
