His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
