Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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