i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
