Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
