OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
