I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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