I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
