I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
