I need to stop coming to work sober
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
