cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
