Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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