I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
