i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
