no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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