i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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