he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
