I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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